So...

I realised that I didn't keep any of the new year resolutions which I've made this year.

Clara C @ Arrow on Swanston, 3rd DEC 2011.

I may have kept number 3, but that's about it. Even so, I enjoy making new year resolutions. It gives me something to work, strive towards and it also gives me a false sense of discipline. Just being honest. This year, I was intentional with wanting to engage, embrace, empower and to live a Lifhe which is Love Inspired, Faith and Hope Empowered. Just like that little sentence in the "About Me" column.

2011. Stop trying, start living!

So... have I been able to live Lifhe? I would like to believe so. I've taken some risks this year, done some extraordinary things, had amazing conversations with equally amazing people. If there's one thing I've learnt this year is that, it's ok not to have everything figured out. Like a friend said before, "We never have it all figured out, we just get shown a bit then run towards that. Steward as best we can what we know". 

But I've also been constantly challenged by God, struggling with the idea that He's all I need. That His grace is sufficient for us, that He is bigger than our problems, that He is more important than our selfish ambitions and desires. Not easy to do. But thank you for being so patient with me God. Continue to guide and teach me. 

I'm not really sure what the take home message from this post is (cause I'm just blabbering) but I just wanna thank God for another new year. A fresh start, a new beginning and maybe more new year resolutions which will mostly be broken.

2012. Sounds fun. 

~ Happy New Year! ~

VISIBER

It's Christmas eve and I rather be blogging about merrier stuff but... I've got nothing. This is just a follow-up on the previous post. 

Turns out this practice isn't Feng Shui but VISIBER. Apparently, it's been around for a while now and it's actually quite a big business. For those who are interested to find out more about VISIBER (and since I'm lazy to blog about it), you can visit their blog here:

http://visiber-malaysia.blogspot.com/

Wishing everyone an enjoyable Christmas Eve!

~ it's funny how VISIBER rhymes with BIEBER ~

Forever Alone

I don't usually blog when I'm back home but this is too interesting for me not to share. So to my loyal readers, who've been coming back daily to see what Julian's been up to, rejoice!

Today, mum brought me to meet a Feng Shui consultant (let's call her that for the lack of a better term). Being curious and interested to see why mum is so hooked on this belief, I decided to go with it. Don't worry, there wasn't any chanting, voodoo dolls or that sorta hoo-ha. Just a friendly chat with an ordinary woman who believes in "frequencies" or fate through the arrangement of numbers. Not sure if that made sense... moving on.

The way she does her readings is through numbers, or most specifically, your date of birth. Each number, ranging from 1-9, is linked to an element (eg. fire, wood) and represents a certain quality or characteristic:

1 = leadership
2 = communication
3 = action
4 = planning
5 = direction
6 = wisdom
7 = networking
8 = responsibility
9  = success.

Based on my date of birth, 01.08.1990, I have good leadership skills, am emotional and bound for success. However, I lack the qualities from numbers 2 to 7. I am also closely aligned to the element, metal (number 1) which, unfortunately means, "I will lead a life of hardship and may experience sudden death". I kid not. (And I find it ridiculous how she says it in a "as-a-matter-of-fact" tone.)

Now imagine yourself as a mother and someone tells you, "Your son is going to die an expected death". How would you feel? Being a worried mom, you would of course proceed to ask, "How can I prevent this?" Good question. A pendant of gold and silver is what you seek. As the legend foretold, this pendant has the power to fight against the evils of one's negative "frequencies". But of course, this pendant will only work if you believe in it. And let's not forget to mention, has a price tag of RM8800 (or you could opt for the cheaper one which has the same magnitude of power for only RM1500).

I like to believe that there's a reason for everything. A reason why I didn't get a job in Melbourne. Maybe it's more important for me to spend time back home with my folks. To communicate and understand their hearts. Let this not be a wasted opportunity to speak love and hope into their lives. I've let more than enough chances slipped by before. And who knows, I may not get another chance.

On a lighter note, apparently I'm also a perfectionist and I have high standards when it comes to girls. And because of that, I'm prone to divorces and may end up being a monk or priest. In other words, I'll be forever alone.


~ not poking fun at participants of feng shui or anything, but placing your hopes and believes on a piece of metal is clearly idolatry. ~

BRB

All packed and ready to go. Not too sure what to expect this time 'round, but it'll be good to spend some time back home. 3 months is plenty. It's been a BIG year, thus far, with plenty of high and low points. This break will be a good time for me to freshen up and restart. Yea, that'll be nice. 

Take care Melbourne. Brb.

Marriage, Death & Alcohol

Heard news of a friend who've just gotten married.

Heard news of a friend who've just passed away. 

Two very different news. Two very shocking news. 

We were all in the same year back in high school but were never classmates. Either way, the news about both friends tugged at me. Suddenly, all my problems seemed insignificant. Death does that. It makes people stop. Look. Contemplate. Maybe this is a wake up call. Telling me that there are matters and people which are bigger and more important than my own agendas. 

Why do bad things happen to good people? 

I don't know. 

We may not be able to change our circumstances but we are able to change our heart. 

God, you are good. Despite our circumstances, you are good. Teach us to celebrate and appreciate the little things. We may not be able to see the big picture right now, but teach us to be patient. I pray for comfort and peace during the hard times and for a heart of thanksgiving during the good times. You are a God who gives and takes away but you will forever remain faithful. Let your will be done. Amen.

Rest in peace J. 

~ it's been a testing week ~

Stop Feeding The Snake, Idiot.

There was a couple living out in the sticks whom kept a baby python as a pet. The python was kept in the laundry room and they would feed and care for it. As it grew older, the python began to behave strangely. Instead of sleeping in the laundry room, it would slither into the couple's bedroom and lie next to them on the bed. Worried about the change in behave, they took their pet to see a vet. As the owner told the vet about the change in the python's behave, the vet warned the couple to get rid of the python. 

Why?

Because the python was measure itself to see whether it was big enough to eat them.  

Chris Willis shared this story during Easter Camp earlier this year. Scary isn't? How we sometimes feed the very thing that will kill us. Be it our addiction, disappointment, anger, unforgiveness, if we continue feeding them, we will definitely die. Or in this case, get eaten alive. 

Moral of the story - stop feeding the snake, idiot. 

~ God is good, despite my circumstances, God is good ~

Soul Punk

Didn't win the video contest, so as a consolation, I bought myself a copy of Patrick Stump's debut solo album "Soul Punk". What I love about this album is that it is Patrick's true expression of the kind of music that he loves; RnB and hip-hop. Most people will know him as a "rock guy" but this album doesn't sound anything like FOB. So even though you may be a FOB fan, you may not necessarily like Soul Punk. Compared to all the party music that are slowly killing our brain cells ("Sexy & I know it" is a terrible song. No, it's not even worthy to be called music. Bottom line - it's terrible), Soul Punk is a refreshing breath of new life. Funky guitars, big drums and a healthy dose of synth plus Patrick's killer vocals makes for an awesome album. Daring and bold, Soul Punk is definitely something worth listening to.

Glad that he's finally able to make the kind of music he loves. Looking forward to one day watching him live.


~ work's gonna be more fun listening to Soul Punk ~

Stage 2: Cowboy

The Cowboy Stage - It is the time of learning the lessons of the field, a time of a great adventures and testing, and also a time for hard work. A time of daring and danger, a time of learning that he does, indeed, have what it takes (John Eldredge, pp. 12).

I grew up living, if I may say so,  a rather sheltered life. As a kid, I was never allow to ride a bike, enter a cyber cafe, drive a car or walk cross the street to the shopping mall beside my house. I spent most of my days indoors playing video-games and watching cartoons. This went on till I was 17th. That's half of my teenage years spent glued to a television set. As fun as role-playing games are, boys would always have a longing for a real-life adventure. 

I think that's why I really enjoy my time aboard in Melbourne. I bought a bike, spent 8 hours straight in a cyber cafe, and walked where ever my two legs could carry me. Much to mum's disapproval but I was a free man. Finally able to experience the things that I've missed out on as a teenager. It was also the perfect chance for me to test my limits and learn that I have what it takes -

To walk 50km, to cycle 100km. 

"The Cowboy heart is wounded when he repeatedly fails or when there isn't anyone there to interpret his failures and help him get back on the horse." (John Eldredge shares about the time his son fell off a horse, pp. 104).

I've failed many times as a child (still do) and mum has always been there to interpret my failures. But mum never once helped me back up on the horse. She was afraid that I would hurt myself again. A sound argument but what if I wanted to get back on the horse? What if I wanted to try again? Fall as many times as I want? Cause I believe that I have what it takes. And because of that, the cowboy in me had been caged up for most of my teenage years. Now, I'm just running amok all over the place.

So what am I trying to get at from telling you all this?  

I've had a few disappointments this past month. Disappointments that tells me "I'm not good enough", "I don't have what it takes". I wish I was stronger. More confident, articulated, certain of what I want to pursue and where God is calling me. As much as I tired to enjoy the course that I'm studying, I may have been fooling myself. Who am I kidding? I don't get excited over writing essays and reading about satellites and determining centroids. I get exciting when I film videos and when I think about the next big project or video idea.

And I've been struggling with this over & over again. 

Maybe it's my fault for not voicing out my discontentment sooner. Maybe it's my fault for be afraid, uncertain, and judgemental. The reason I'm afraid is because I've always been seeking adventures and trying out different things. But mum had other plans. She wanted and still wants me to live out the life that she's planned for me since forever. When mum was in Melbourne a few months back, I found it hard communicating with her. Even though I wanted to oppose or voice my discontentment, I couldn't. Cause in my mind, I had already reached the conclusion, "Doesn't matter what I say, she wouldn't agreed anyway." So I kept quiet, smiled and nod my head politely.

And I've been doing that for most of my life.

Selfish and ungrateful - I wish that my parents were more supportive. I wish that they would stop treating me like a child. I wish that my parents would teach me to believe in myself and dream big. But even so, there is truth in what they say. "Film's not going to earn you money". "You could always do it as a hobby". 

Why must it be so hard?

God, what is it that I should do? I'm lost. I need clarity. Whether film is really for me or if I'm just believing in a fleeting dream. Close the door, break my camera if you will. I've been stuck in this ditch for far too long. I need help. Teach me to believe. Teach me to love. Teach me to hope. 

~ Stage 4: Lover ~

FML! We're Winning!

A little late to be posting this but here goes. Flare Dance 2011 was fun. Despite all of the time and energy that was poured out and how spent I was after everything was over, I had fun. 

Was re-reading my post about flare last year and I'm glad to say I've achieved what I've set out to do. To journey and foster closer relationships with the people in flare. Even though if was just within the circle of friends in the breakdancing piece, even if it was just for a semester, I've grown to love and appreciate each one of them. Thanks for making this year's flare experience much more meaningful.

To end, here's a couple of videos that I've put together. I reckon it pretty much sums up my entire flare experience this year. Whether I'll continue on next year is still up in the air. Will see how things goes. Either way, I don't plan to stop dancing any time soon.

Thank you video which we put together for our awesome choreographer and friend.

From now on, FML will always be a positive quote to me. We will face challenges and FML moments in life but we should always remember to be positive and continue holding onto hope. Thanks for reminding us, Kai.

May our dance inspire you and hopefully brighten up your day!


~ FunkMaLife ~

Chapter 4: It's Gonna Get Better

Been almost a month since I made the decision to stop pursuing. It sucks being driven by emotions. When you're down, suddenly there's no motivation or excitement in the things you do and everything seems(becomes) dull. As occupied as I should have been with exams, assignments, flare production, job applications and video editing, the thought was always at the back of my mind.

As always, God's telling me the same thing over and over again - "I'm all you need".

But what if I want more?
What if I'm not satisfied with what I have?
Am I being greedy? Ungrateful?

The 40 days trail period started off well but came to a standstill right after that day. How discouraging. Nevertheless, I've definitely gained(lost?) something from these 40 days. No, I've definitely gained something from this whole experience. Whether for better or worst, time will tell.

I'm sad. But that's ok, right? Things can only get better.

It always does.


~ that's it for The October Issue #3 ~

Chapter 3: It's Not About Winning...

I've been living in Melbourne, Australia for the past 3 years and I'm loving it. It's a wonderful city no doubt but at the end of the day, it's the community and friends around me that makes it great. Thanks for being such a blessing and inspiration to me!

2 weeks of filming, 3 nights of editing and over 200 footages. First official video shot by 30Hearts. Dedicating this video to all 34 of you who invested into my dreams. Thanks to everyone who helped out one way or another.

~ ...though it'll be nice to heheh ~

Chapter 2: Marchin On

Shinyi posted this really cool conversation between Man and Jesus on facebook. It's quite a long read but it sorta answers life's biggest questions quite nicely. Have a read and i'll meet you at the bottom!

Jesus: Hello. Did you call me?
Man: Called you? No. Who is this?
Jesus: This is Jesus. I heard your prayers. So I thought I will chat.
Man: I do pray. Just makes me feel good. I am actually busy now. I am in the midst of something.

Jesus: What are you busy at? Ants are busy too.

Man: Don’t know. But I can’t find free time. Life has become hectic. It’s rush hour all the time.

Jesus: Sure. Activity gets you busy. But productivity gets you results. Activity consumes time. Productivity frees it.

Man: I understand. But I still can’t figure out. By the way, I was not expecting YOU to buzz me on instant messaging chat.

Jesus: Well I wanted to resolve your fight for time, by giving you some clarity. In this net era, I wanted to reach you through the medium you are comfortable with.

Man: Tell me, why has life become complicated now?

Jesus: Stop analyzing life. Just live it. Analysis is what makes it complicated.

Man: Why are we then constantly unhappy?

Jesus: Your today is the tomorrow that you worried about yesterday. You are worrying because you are analyzing. Worrying has become your habit. That’s why you are not happy.

Man: But how can we not worry when there is so much uncertainty?

Jesus: Uncertainty is inevitable, but worrying is optional.

Man: But then, there is so much pain due to uncertainty.

Jesus: Pain is inevitable, but suffering is optional.

Man: If suffering is optional, why do good people always suffer?

Jesus: Diamond cannot be polished without friction. Gold cannot be purified without fire. Good people go through trials, but don’t suffer. With that experience their life become better not bitter.

Man: You mean to say such experience is useful?

Jesus: Yes. In every term, Experience is a hard teacher. She gives the test first and the lessons afterwards.

Man: But still, why should we go through such tests? Why can’t we be free from problems?

Jesus: Problems are Purposeful Roadblocks Offering Beneficial Lessons (to) Enhance Mental Strength. Inner strength comes from struggle and endurance, not when you are free from problems.

Man: Frankly in the midst of so many problems, we don’t know where we are heading.

Jesus: If you look outside you will not know where you are heading. Look inside. Looking outside, you dream. Looking inside, you awaken. Eyes provide sight. Heart provides insight.

Man: Sometimes not succeeding fast seems to hurt more than moving in the right direction. What should I do?

Jesus: Success is a measure as decided by others. Satisfaction is a measure as decided by you. Knowing the road ahead is more satisfying than knowing you rode ahead. You work with the compass. Let others work with the clock.

Man: In tough times, how do you stay motivated?

Jesus: Always look at how far you have come rather than how far you have to go. Always count your blessing, not what you are missing.

Man: What surprises you about people?

Jesus: When they suffer they ask, “why me? When they prosper, they never ask “Why me” Everyone wishes to have truth on their side, but few want to be on the side of the truth.

Man: Sometimes I ask, who I am, why am I here. I can’t get the answer.

Jesus: Seek not to find who you are, but to determine who you want to be. Stop looking for a purpose as to why you are here. Create it. Life is not a process of discovery but a process of creation.

Man: How can I get the best out of life?

Jesus: Face your past without regret. Handle your present with confidence. Prepare for the future without fear.

Man: One last question. Sometimes I feel my prayers are not answered.

Jesus: There are no unanswered prayers. At times the answer is NO.

Man: Thank you for this wonderful chat. I am so happy to start the day with a new sense of inspiration.

Jesus: Well. Keep the faith and drop the fear. Don’t believe your doubts and doubt your beliefs. Life is a mystery to solve not a problem to resolve. Trust me. Life is wonderful if you know how to live.

Man: Thank you so much.

Jesus: You are always welcome. Have a good day my friend.


"Always remember, God's Word is the Word for YOU".

__________________________________________________________________________

This post has been sitting in the drafts folder for the past week now. Guess I've got nothing more insightful or smart to offer. But this conversation has definitely made me ponder. Right now, I feel like the Man. Busy. In the midst of something. Hectic. Always in rush hour. Still unable to figure it out.

Thank God for Jesus. He's such a smart dude. I'm still trying to get my head around all of this. But hopefully I'll be able to catch a glimpse of... clarity? Hope? Healing? Purpose? Direction? Oh yea, direction sounds good. Haven't prayed for a while so instead of making excuses, I might as well do it now.

God, I pray for direction and guidance. I can't do this alone. Teach me to listen and draw strength from the spirit. To not be led by my sinful nature and the idols that I cling onto. I pray for focus and productivity in my studies. Give me strength and rest throughout the week as I juggle dancing and uni commitments. I also pray for a vacation work position. That where ever I may end up, I will be able to find meaningful work. Forgive me for my shortcomings and my complacency. Reignite the passion and courage than you have instilled in me. I commit all this into your mighty hands. Amen.

May we continue to inspire and be inspired. With that, I leave you with OneRepublic's "Marchin On".




~ keep marching on ~

Bonus Chapter: Around the Bay

Went home today with grazed knees, sunburnt arms, a sore neck/bum/shoulders and a serious case of helmet hair. Hard to believe I rode 100km today. It's a surreal feeling. Pedalling for 6 hours plus, riding through the rain and out of it, along the coast together with 10,000 other bikers. Thinking back now, I have no idea what encouraged me to take part in this event. I guess I wasn't really thinking. But it was definitely a chance to do something I've never dreamt of doing before. And what better time to do crazy things like these than during your uni years! After today, I reckon my cycling skills have leveled up.

Of course, all this wouldn't have been possible without my fellow bikers.

"Steve the Beast" and "Ian the Climber".

Climber because Ian always overtakes everyone when going uphill and Beast just because Steve is. Blessed to be able to do this with them because of their patience and encouraging presence. Thanks to Isaac for training with us during our only two training sessions and to Ivy for the pre-race dinner and the snack pack!

Time to recuperate and face a busy week ahead. Take care friends.

~ oh btw, don't tell mum ~

Chapter 1.5: In the Midst of (Half-time)

It's been a testing week. I always thought it'll be easier the 2nd time around but it's actually harder. Maybe cause this time I was more intentional - praying, thinking, scheming, hoping. Like a football player visualising his route. Scheming how to swerve pass each opposing player. Hoping that his two feet will be strong enough to carry him down the end zone. But when the whistle's blown and the ball has been snapped, suddenly you're overwhelmed. As prepared as I thought I was, even though I saw it coming - I fumbled. 

It's a terrible feeling. Walking down the hallway back to the locker room. Heads down, silent with nothing to boast about. The feeling of defeat. In this space of solitude, let me rest here for a while. And when the time is right, pick myself up and get back on the field. But for now, let me rest. Maybe some ice-cream will help. Yea, some ice-cream will be good.

~ Day 20 ~

Chapter 1: Restarting

Hmm... funny. I can't seem to find the right words to say. Maybe I'll should let it sink in for a while. Anyways, just thought I should let you guys know. 

~ Operation C*rry is no more ~

The October Issue #3

October. It's that time of the year where I randomly create a "magazine cover" for my blog. From now till the end of the year, I would usually prepare a bunch of stories and events to share before concluding with a reflective post. However, this time around I'm not so sure where I'm going with all this. But one thing's for certain... I'm deep in thought. 

Check out the past two issues here:

The October Issue #2

The October Issue

~ would love some toast right about now. ~

One Step at a Time

And we're one week into the 40 day fast. Hmm it really isn't a fast but more of a 40-day-trial-period-of-building-disciplines-that-will-hopefully-be-carried-over-after-the-40-days. Yea, let's call it that. Can't say I've been diligently doing my devotions but 6 out of 8 days is decent (just sayin' to make myself feel better). There're so many things that I hope for and the feeling of wanting all of them makes me feel greedy. I want breakthroughs, salvation, discipline and direction. Is that too much to ask for? 

Matthew 6:33 (NIV)

But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. 

I love catching up with friends over coffee. It's nice. As simple an adjective 'nice' is, that's what it is - nice. I reckon everyone yearns for honest conversations & these "coffee-sessions" is sorta my way of having just that. Blessed and grateful to be able to do so. 

Feeling fidgety and excited but at the same time uncertain and dreadful. I should learn to focus on one thing at a time. Ok, I'm way over my 30 minutes cap. Think blogging time should be exempted as well. We shall chat soon. 

~ anticipating ~

This City

~ can't wait for Soulpunk! ~

40 Day Trial Period

Looks like things are finally falling into place. Deadlines have been etched, errands have been ran and goals have been set. Now comes the fun part. Execution. 

The 40 day fast starts tmr. Two things that I'll be doing: i) daily devotion on the books of Tim ii) 30 minutes of internet usage daily (minus uni/work related requirements). 

Reading the bible is a discipline which I'm lacking, so this will definitely do me some good. The internet is my greatest source of distraction. Putting a cap on how much time I spend on facebook, twitter, youtube, etc. will help me to focus and create space for more productive and meaningful work.  Hopefully by the end of it, I'll be able to carry these disciplines along with me beyond the 40 days. 

Was talking to abi last night about our relationship with God. And it saddens me how I always revert back to feeling so undeserving of God. Always feeling like I'm never good enough. I wish I had everything together - awesome prayer life, clear direction in life and even having the strength to solve all my problems on my own. 

"Well if you could do that, you wouldn't need God would you?"

Chew on that for a bit.

Yes, we are undeserving of God's love but it's given to us, FOR FREE! After all, "tt's the message of grace what, it can't be earned". I know all of this but I guess it's time for it to sink from here to here *gesture from head to heart*.

God I thank you for your love and grace. We are so broken and undeserving yet you redeem us. Teach me God to trust you whole-heartedly, to love you more than my desires and my brothers and sisters. I pray for discipline during these 40 days, that I'll be led and driven by the spirit. Teach me once again to engage, embrace and empower as I journey together with my friends. I surrender my fears and uncertainties to you. I know you're here with me. Light the way. Amen.

~  exciting times are here ~

Stage 4: Lover

Currently reading The Way of the Wild Heart. This is a book about how boy - and a man - becomes a man. The author brings forth the idea of 6 different stages a man goes through during a masculine journey. 

Boyhood to Cowboy to Warrior to Lover to King to Sage.

John emphasizes again and again that each stage cannot be pin to an exact age. 

"They overlap, and there are aspects of each stage in every other." (John Eldredge 2006, pg. 11)

"Now, let me say again that these stages are all present to some degree at any period in a man's life, and they all come together to make a man whole and holy man." (John Eldredge 2006, pg. 14)

But for today, let's talk about stage 4: Lover.

Two sentences which struck a chord with me. Lemme break it down and discuss both quotes separately.

"A Lover comes to offer his strength to a woman, not to get it from her." (John Eldredge 2006, pg. 13)

I always thought that I would be able to find strength in a woman. That having a woman would give me a reason to fight - a drive, a mission. So you can see how this quote totally goes against what I believe in. But surely a woman would prefer a man, a warrior with a clear mission, a guy "who've got it together" ie. not me. Surely, no woman would want to be with a man struggling to "get his life together", to share his burdens and put up with his uncertainties. If she did, sorry but I think you're a fool.

(What do the sisters in the house think? Drop me a comment or let me know personally!)

And because of that, I'm always struggling with the thought of never being good enough. As ready as I think I may be, it's never good enough. Hopefully I'll find more clarity once I've read through the book. A little confidence would help too.

Moving on.

"Service for God is overshadowed by intimacy with God." (John Eldredge 2006, pg. 13)

So the time of the lover is not foremost about the woman. It's also about loving God. Notice how each post is connected to one another? God's speaking but sometimes I'm just so lazy and distracted. Anyways - Service vs Intimacy. Simple to grasp, hard to do. As we all know God wants a relationship with us. To father us, to take our spiritual journey to a whole new level. And for that, we need to love God, just because.    

The 40 day fast starts next week. This time around we're focusing more on building strong disciplines that would (hopefully) last over the 40 day period. The last 40 day fast brought about lots of breakthroughs. Really excited to see what's gonna happen this time. 

Gonna be great doing this together with the community! 

~ lots of thoughts about the future. hmmm. ~