Stage 1: Beloved Son

When did I begin to doubt? That the God whom created the heavens and the earth, the very same God whom sent His son to die for our sins, doesn't love me. Really? Do you believe that a kind, loving and engaging God doesn't love you? 

Short answer - yes.

In case you were wondering what "Stage 1" refers to, please refer to my previous post here. Yes, Stage 1 is meant to be Boyhood. I just thought that Beloved Son would be more appropriate in this context. Now that we've got that sorted, the long answer...

I'm not happy with the way things are right now. With uni, relationships and myself. But it doesn't seem as though God's gonna fix any of that anytime soon. Or rather I can't bring myself to believe that God will. Maybe he has more important matters to attend to. Maybe I ought to work this out on my own. Whatever the reason, my experiences have shaped my mindset to believe that I'm alone.

Many of us call God, Father, but how many of us are truly being Fathered?

"The hardest, gladdest thing in the world is to cry Father! from a full heart... the refusal to look up to God as our father is the one central wrong in the whole human affair; the inability, the one central misery." (The Way of the Wild Heart, pg. 25)

The one central misery. That's deep. Though I can't deny that's what I'm feeling right now. Ever so slightly. It surprised me when Aun pointed out my negativity. Before I realised, I've become the very thing I despised. Negative. And I apologise. For being cold and unfriendly. I really am sorry. Turns out, talking to someone was just the boost I needed. Thanks man.

I think I need to know for myself deep down inside and come to a point where I  am able to believe whole-heartedly that God does indeed love me. That I am His beloved son. It will take awhile and it will be a pain-staking journey but don't let me switch off.

~ restore my heart again, i refuse to go numb ~

Stage 2: Cowboy

The Cowboy Stage - It is the time of learning the lessons of the field, a time of a great adventures and testing, and also a time for hard work. A time of daring and danger, a time of learning that he does, indeed, have what it takes (John Eldredge, pp. 12).

I grew up living, if I may say so,  a rather sheltered life. As a kid, I was never allow to ride a bike, enter a cyber cafe, drive a car or walk cross the street to the shopping mall beside my house. I spent most of my days indoors playing video-games and watching cartoons. This went on till I was 17th. That's half of my teenage years spent glued to a television set. As fun as role-playing games are, boys would always have a longing for a real-life adventure. 

I think that's why I really enjoy my time aboard in Melbourne. I bought a bike, spent 8 hours straight in a cyber cafe, and walked where ever my two legs could carry me. Much to mum's disapproval but I was a free man. Finally able to experience the things that I've missed out on as a teenager. It was also the perfect chance for me to test my limits and learn that I have what it takes -

To walk 50km, to cycle 100km. 

"The Cowboy heart is wounded when he repeatedly fails or when there isn't anyone there to interpret his failures and help him get back on the horse." (John Eldredge shares about the time his son fell off a horse, pp. 104).

I've failed many times as a child (still do) and mum has always been there to interpret my failures. But mum never once helped me back up on the horse. She was afraid that I would hurt myself again. A sound argument but what if I wanted to get back on the horse? What if I wanted to try again? Fall as many times as I want? Cause I believe that I have what it takes. And because of that, the cowboy in me had been caged up for most of my teenage years. Now, I'm just running amok all over the place.

So what am I trying to get at from telling you all this?  

I've had a few disappointments this past month. Disappointments that tells me "I'm not good enough", "I don't have what it takes". I wish I was stronger. More confident, articulated, certain of what I want to pursue and where God is calling me. As much as I tired to enjoy the course that I'm studying, I may have been fooling myself. Who am I kidding? I don't get excited over writing essays and reading about satellites and determining centroids. I get exciting when I film videos and when I think about the next big project or video idea.

And I've been struggling with this over & over again. 

Maybe it's my fault for not voicing out my discontentment sooner. Maybe it's my fault for be afraid, uncertain, and judgemental. The reason I'm afraid is because I've always been seeking adventures and trying out different things. But mum had other plans. She wanted and still wants me to live out the life that she's planned for me since forever. When mum was in Melbourne a few months back, I found it hard communicating with her. Even though I wanted to oppose or voice my discontentment, I couldn't. Cause in my mind, I had already reached the conclusion, "Doesn't matter what I say, she wouldn't agreed anyway." So I kept quiet, smiled and nod my head politely.

And I've been doing that for most of my life.

Selfish and ungrateful - I wish that my parents were more supportive. I wish that they would stop treating me like a child. I wish that my parents would teach me to believe in myself and dream big. But even so, there is truth in what they say. "Film's not going to earn you money". "You could always do it as a hobby". 

Why must it be so hard?

God, what is it that I should do? I'm lost. I need clarity. Whether film is really for me or if I'm just believing in a fleeting dream. Close the door, break my camera if you will. I've been stuck in this ditch for far too long. I need help. Teach me to believe. Teach me to love. Teach me to hope. 

~ Stage 4: Lover ~

Stage 4: Lover

Currently reading The Way of the Wild Heart. This is a book about how boy - and a man - becomes a man. The author brings forth the idea of 6 different stages a man goes through during a masculine journey. 

Boyhood to Cowboy to Warrior to Lover to King to Sage.

John emphasizes again and again that each stage cannot be pin to an exact age. 

"They overlap, and there are aspects of each stage in every other." (John Eldredge 2006, pg. 11)

"Now, let me say again that these stages are all present to some degree at any period in a man's life, and they all come together to make a man whole and holy man." (John Eldredge 2006, pg. 14)

But for today, let's talk about stage 4: Lover.

Two sentences which struck a chord with me. Lemme break it down and discuss both quotes separately.

"A Lover comes to offer his strength to a woman, not to get it from her." (John Eldredge 2006, pg. 13)

I always thought that I would be able to find strength in a woman. That having a woman would give me a reason to fight - a drive, a mission. So you can see how this quote totally goes against what I believe in. But surely a woman would prefer a man, a warrior with a clear mission, a guy "who've got it together" ie. not me. Surely, no woman would want to be with a man struggling to "get his life together", to share his burdens and put up with his uncertainties. If she did, sorry but I think you're a fool.

(What do the sisters in the house think? Drop me a comment or let me know personally!)

And because of that, I'm always struggling with the thought of never being good enough. As ready as I think I may be, it's never good enough. Hopefully I'll find more clarity once I've read through the book. A little confidence would help too.

Moving on.

"Service for God is overshadowed by intimacy with God." (John Eldredge 2006, pg. 13)

So the time of the lover is not foremost about the woman. It's also about loving God. Notice how each post is connected to one another? God's speaking but sometimes I'm just so lazy and distracted. Anyways - Service vs Intimacy. Simple to grasp, hard to do. As we all know God wants a relationship with us. To father us, to take our spiritual journey to a whole new level. And for that, we need to love God, just because.    

The 40 day fast starts next week. This time around we're focusing more on building strong disciplines that would (hopefully) last over the 40 day period. The last 40 day fast brought about lots of breakthroughs. Really excited to see what's gonna happen this time. 

Gonna be great doing this together with the community! 

~ lots of thoughts about the future. hmmm. ~

Love Wins

Just finished reading Love Wins. Incredible book.

Love Wins talks about Heaven, Hell and the Fate of Every Person Who Ever Lived. Rob Bell's views on these topics challenges the common belief of the Christian faith. And it's a book riddled with questions.

Questions we fear to ask.
Questions behind the questions.
Questions no one has the right answer to.
Questions we wouldn't otherwise..... question.

This book has garnered tonnes of controversy. But for someone to finally ask these questions out-loud and share his honest views on them, that takes guts. I like this Rob Bell guy. I rather you find out for yourself what's written in this book rather than sharing it here. It's definitely a book worth reading.

With that said, I HIGHLY recommend this book to anyone. This book is by no means the answer to life's biggest questions but may it inspired and give you a new perspective on life itself.

__________________________________________________________________________

Now for me to jot down snippets from the book for my own reference:

So when the gospel is diminished to a question of whether or not a person will "get into heaven," that reduces the good news to a ticket, a way to get past the bouncer and into the club.

The good news is better than that. (Rob Bell 2011, p.178)

As Paul writes in Philippians 3,
"Let us live up to what we have already attained." (Rob Bell 2011, p.188)

Forgiveness is unilateral.
God isn't waiting for us to get it together,
to clean up, shape up, get up -
God has already done it. (Rob Bell 2011, p.189)

"It's only when you lose your life that you can find it, Jesus says." (Rob Bell 2011, p.190)

Ahh Matthew 10:39, we meet again.

God's gonna do something.


~ look at me referencing like a good boy. wheee ~

The Missy Project

Just finished reading "The Shack" and woahhh it's such an amazing story or testimony, if I may call it that. My head is still overload with too much information, most of them which I am yet to completely understand.


This story is about a man who met God in a shack. Literally.

Ok, I'm not really good at a writing book reviews so I won't attempt to do so now. And I wouldn't want to give the plot away either. But if that one-liner is able to perk your interest about this book, I must be a pretty darn good book reviewer you must most definitely read this book!

Whether you are Christian or not, this is one book I would recommend to everyone. This book may seem more to a fantastic side. But whether it's true or not, it's up to you to believe. I mean it's not everyday you read about someone meeting up with God face-to-face what more spending an entire weekend with Him.

The way that this book portrays God is no doubt very controversial, but manages to reveal a glimpse of God's nature which is not very present in our culture. Which is not that of a bearded old man and white for that matter. But 3 separate entities/persons (God, Jesus, Holy Spirit) and still one in unity, if that makes sense.

I really sympathize with Mack, the main character of the story, after all that he's been through. It's like you just want to give that dude a hug. But I'm glad that God intervene in his life. With that said, you could say I very much believe that his story is true no matter how unbelievable it seems.

The themes, topics and questions raised in this book are probably things that most of us struggle with and still question. And it is these that makes this book very real to me. I would call these questions more than themes because most of them were brought out during conversations.

Allow me to list down the questions that are discussed in this book:

1) Freedom
2) Limitations
3) Relationships ( Father, spirit, son / God & humans )
4) Creation
5) Knowledge of Good & Evil
6) Holy Spirit
7) Judgment
8) Church
9) Trusting in God
10) How God makes good out of Bad
11) Strongholds
12) Evil vs Love
13) Choices / Freewill
14) What Jesus accomplished by dying on the cross
15) Emotions
16) Relationship vs Rules
17) Purpose of the 10 commandments
18) God is a Verb vs Noun
19) Responsibilities / Expectations
20) Priorities
21) Forgiveness

Yup, there sure are lots of questions asked in this book but I might have missed some along the way. Looking at the list above, they are still so many things that I'm yet to fully comprehend. sigh. "Men! Such idiots sometimes." But with time, with years, with experience and with God, I may one day understand all of this more.

Any of the questions that you've been struggling with? Then this may just be the book for you. Be ready to be inspired, humoured and touched.


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~ Spoiler: the Holy Spirit is Asian! ~