What Are The Odds?

A Process of Self-discovery

I've been reading...

"All courses of action are risky, so prudence is not in avoiding danger (it's impossible), but calculating risk and acting decisively. Make mistakes of ambition and not mistake of sloth. Develop the strength to do bold things, not the strength to suffer."

- Niccolo Machiavelli, The Prince

5 Weeks

Thought of the day:

Learning what it means to be privileged, appreciate it, and do good with it. Yes, we may be a spoilt generation with the luxury of pursing our dreams and breaking the rules but that's not necessarily a bad thing. 

The past 2 weeks have been a rough patch. Finally feeling the pressure of the workload but motivation level and productivity level just weren't where they're suppose to be. But, today, I think I managed to tap into it ever so slightly. Rather than feeling all doom and gloom about it, I think it's time I lifted my chin up and start channeling some positive energy into my work. Heck, into my life.

Thanks, Aun.

Hoping for a productive and healthy 5 weeks ahead. 

~ helps to be vulnerable rather than try to hold everything together. ~

7 Weeks

Mum asked me a funny question the other night. 

"Eh boy, you sure you'll graduate at the end of the year or not?"

You would think I would have man up by now but I'm just as pathetic as ever. I don't get it. Why am I so.... bah! Doesn't matter. I know I'm not going to enjoy the next couple of weeks but I'm gonna need to keep moving. After all this is over, I know that I'll feel much better. Hopefully.   

Back to mum's question.

I sure hope so.

~ this is not gonna be fun ~

The Power of Vulnerability

"You cannot selectively numb emotions... vulnerability, grieve, shame, fear, disappointment.... you cannot numb those feelings without numbing the other emotions... So when we numb those, we numb joy, we numb gratitude, we numb happiness."

Very good watch. I'm sure you have 20 minutes to spare ;)


~ I am enough ~

Something New

It's been exactly a year since I received my little Canon T3i and it's been serving me very well. Over the past year, I've taken hundreds of photographs and made close to twenty videos. Needless to say, I'm pretty happy with the camera. This little toy has definitely helped support my passion for film-making and encouraged me to pursue it further. 

To build upon that, I've decided to create a new website. This website will be used solely for video purposes. For example, video commentaries, gadgets, tips, tricks, and all other video-related news. So if you're interested in film-making or wanna be part of my film-making journey, jump onto www.juliantay.com. And leave a comment while you're at it! Appreciate your love and support. Also I'll promise to update it on a regular basis. After all, I paid for it XD

So what does that mean for CoM? 

Don't worry. I'll still be posting all my blabber and other nonsense here. As long as there's that inner voice that's longing to be heard, I'll continue to write. Guess this blog's one way of keeping me emotionally stable. Aha..ha..ho..hi..ha....

Eternally grateful to everyone who've believed and hopeful still believes in me.

Here's to better days and new things.

~ a year, minus a day ~

Re-connect

I've been disconnected. Desponded. Wallowing in self-pity, refusing to pull myself out of a ditch I've been digging deeper and deeper. Oh, how misery loves its company. This... isn't right. What happened to living life? A life filled with faith, hope, and love?

Things that's been bogging me down. 

Numero Uno. I can't bring myself to apply for jobs that I couldn't care less about. Can you imagine going for an interview and having the interviewer ask you,"So, why did you apply for this job?" Uhh... family obligations. Being the bigger man. I need money. 

Numero Duo. Post graduation life is very uncertain at the moment. I really want to take 6 months off just to shoot videos, maybe try my luck in finding work at some sort of media company. Though I'll be happy to just volunteer at Meld. But am I really allowed such a luxury? Wouldn't that be selfish?

Numero Tres. I'm broken-hearted. As silly as it may be, it's about time I admit it to myself. I guess these things take time. 

It's about time I reconnect(ed?). Reconcile. It's a conscious effort but it's better than being stuck in the ditch. To the Expedition community, thanks for helping me realise that. Some of you might be at the same place as I am. Uncertain. Discontented. Angered.

And that's ok.

God is slowly but surely doing His good work in us.


Lemme pray.

God, I stand before you today, arms open wide. With nothing to offer but worship. I pray for my brothers and sisters who are crying out for justice. For healing, reconciliation, peace, and clarity. Hear our cries today Lord. Come and invade our lives today, break down our walls and breathe new life into us again. Teach us to be like Job. To be able to take the posture of worship even when everything around us comes crashing down. We know you're good. We've seen your goodness. Today, I choose to believe in that goodness. I choose life. In your mighty name. Amen.


~ that took a while but we're just getting started. ~

Philippians 4

vs4 Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! vs5 Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. vs6 Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. vs7 And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

Something clicked, while I was on my way home today. Whilst listening to amp, one of their songs, "Prayer", began reciting this passage. It was the first time I've heard it so clearly. After having all those conversations and listening to all sorts of advices, it all comes back to this chapter that Aun quoted right from the very beginning. Philippians 4. 

Interesting how it all played out during the past month. I wouldn't say it's been a good one, heck it's been terrible. And things can and will only getting harder. Yet, we are told not to be anxious but rejoice. So, even if you're feeling the weight of the world on your shoulders, rejoice! Can't be that hard, yea?  

~ hey june. didn't realised you were here already. ~

Jealous

Have you ever felt like slapping someone? Across the face? With your foot? 

Yeah... not the best feeling to have.

God I surrender my bitterness and insecurities to you. Amen~

On a sweeter note, Kimbra was fun!

More pictures here. 

~ 2 more weeks! ~

Struggle

It would have been easier if I've just given up. 

No more fighting. 

No more striving. 

No more disappointments. 

No more heartaches. 

Yet, I am compel to move forward. To keep taking that extra step forward. To keep holding that chin up high. What compels me to do so? Faith? Hope? Love? Pride? Dissatisfaction? Anger? Maybe it's a bit of everything. There are days where I feel so helpless, angry, frustrated and yet, there are days where I see - a silver lining. 

So here I am, in conflict, swaying between,

"Stuff it! I had enough" and "I can do this! Almost there."

It's... a difficult process. One that I wish I didn't care about. But I do care. That's why there's a struggle. Is it really worth it going through all of this? As I sit here and ponder, time moves forward, relentlessly leaving behind those who can't keep up. Damn. I can't keep up.

~ one day at a time ~

More Fighting

Easter Camp 2012

Right now I'm sitting between giving up and fighting on. This is getting pretty tiring. All this hoping for something better, stewarding what I have been given, walking this journey of faith. Oh, how nice it would be if I could just drop everything and curl up in my bed forever. Ok... I may be developing issues.

Thank God for friends. I think that's the only thing that's keeping me sane at this very moment. Even though I feel like giving up, being around them gives me hope. Even for a little while. After all, how can I be so selfish to give up on myself when they haven't given up on me yet? If anything, these people are the audible voice of God speaking love, faith and hope into this shrivelled shell of a human being. And I'm really thankful for them.

On the spiritual side of things, it hasn't been super fly. I'm trying to figure out whether God is being quiet or if I'm just not listening or refusing to listen for that matter. Maybe trust is a better word. I may be able to heard God's voice, have clarity and understanding, but without trust and faith, what good is all that? Must I really continue being this "faithful steward" for another year? Seriously. I'm about to collapse here. 

Ha.....

Today's a new day. Let my hope be renewed. 

~ fighting to feel alive again ~

Stuck in Between

Right now I'm sitting between the ledge of contentment and hoping for more. Should I be content with what I have now? Or should I reach out for the things I want? Should I be happy with just friendship? Or am I looking for something much deeper? Should I steward my current education to the best of my abilities? Or should I chase my dreams and see how far I'll go?

Leon made a very good observation today. This was regarding my predicament of studying Geomatics because it was the only available option at that time. I'm power-phrasing here, but it went something like this:

"Maybe God opened that door for you so that you would be able to do what you're passionate about. If you were to take architecture or engineering, you might not have had the chance/time to meet up with friends and do the things you like." 

I didn't want to admit it but I think it's true. Even though I wasn't enjoying the course over the past 3 years, it has definitely given me the time to try new things, discover my passions and enjoy the company of friends. In the midst of all my whining and self-centeredness, I've failed to see the goodness that God had created out of this. Today, I lay down my pride. Thanks, Leon.

For this Easter, show me what it means to live in the promises of God. Also to bring about resurrection in the areas of my life that have been dead for so long, even the areas that I didn't know about. Revive my heart again and again. Right now there isn't much I can do but have patience and trust in God. Easier said than done but a lot can happen over a span of three days. And I trust that the presence of God will be overflowing this Easter. So let it be. Amen~ 

~ Happy Easter friends! ~

My Signature Themes

Just did my Strengths Finder assessment and the results were quite amusing. Let's take a look:

Individualisation

People who are especially talented in the Individualisation theme are intrigued with the unique qualities of each person. They have a gift for figuring out how people who are different can work together productively.

Harmony

People who are especially talented in the Harmony theme look for consensus. They don't enjoy conflict; rather, they seek areas of agreement.

Developer

People who are especially talented in the Developer theme recognise and cultivate the potential in others. They spot the signs of each small improvement and derive satisfaction from these improvements.

Empathy

People who are especially talented in the Empathy theme can sense the feelings of other people by imagining themselves in others' lives or others' situations.

Responsibility

People who are especially talented in the Responsibility theme take psychological ownership of what they say they will do. They are committed to stable values such as honesty and loyalty.

Harmony and responsibility I can agree upon but empathy? Really? Yes, I am clueless when it comes to "sensing the feelings of other people". Or maybe I'm just pretending to be so that people won't be suspicious of me. Ha-ha! Individualisation and Developer were unexpected but they are themes which I am able to resonate with. Interesting - I didn't think I was the relationship building sorta person. 

What I've written above are just the brief descriptions of each theme. Upon completion, the assessment will generate your own personal signature theme report, insight report and an action-planning guide. Whether they are accurate representations of my strengths or not, it has given insight into the type of person I think I am or hope to be. For those who are interested in finding out more about this assessment, check out the Strengths Quest website. Btw, it's NOT free.

~ what are or what do you think your strengths are? ~

Little Hope

I've been putting this post off because I didn't want to get my hopes up. 

Well then, time to test my faith. 

For those who've been journeying closely with me would know that I've been working on a final year project proposal. My initial proposal was regarding visual development. The aim of the project, without getting too technical, is to help viewers visualise how a land or building will look like before it is completely developed. Interesting topic, but not something that really fascinated me.

After further research, I realised that I actually have an interest in sustainable development. Sustainable development is "development that meets the needs of the present without compromising the ability of future generations to meet their own needs". As quoted from my lecture notes. Armed with this sudden spark of enthusiasm, I decided to email my lecturer who specialises in this field. Without giving it too much thought, I emailed her and included this little snippet:

"I have an interest in video-making. Therefore, I was wondering if it is possible for my end product to be a video product which focus on raising awareness about sustainable development."

Met up with her the next day, introduced myself and the first thing she said was...

"Ah! Movie-maker." 

The discussion that followed, as I soon realised, was something that I desperately needed. In the midst of all the brain-storming, note-scribbling and trouble-shooting, there was this sense of hope, courage and delight that began to bubble up. Never before have I had such an encouraging conversation with another person besides my dear friends. What more with a lecturer whom I hardly pay attention to during class (sorry). If it wasn't for pride, I would have probably broke down in tears right there and then. 

Four years is a long time to do something. Even longer if it's something that doesn't bring you joy. But with this project, things are starting to look hopeful. On the contrary, this project might be the death of me. Firstly, because this is something that no one has every done before. Secondly, I'll be doing more work compared to everyone else. Thirdly, I'm not sure how I'm going to execute it. And fourthly, I may fail miserably. See what I meant by not wanting to get my hopes up?  

This year may be the most pivotal one yet. If this project takes off, I believe that something "good" will come out of it. How this "good" will look like, I'm not sure but I'm not worry about it either. Right now, I'll just need to focus on what I can do and work towards it. With faith and confidence in a God who is big enough.

God, for so long I've been dwelling on my doubts and bitterness. But today, I choose to surrender them to you. Break the chains that bind me and bring healing once again into this heart that has just gone cold. Give me the courage to believe and put my trust in you. My problems are never too big for you Lord. And I thank you for that. I pray the same prayer for my friends too. That you will meet them at which ever point in life they're at and speak love, faith and hope into their very being. So let it be. Amen~     

Alright! Time to write up that proposal. 

~ are you working on your faith muscles? ~

Stage 1: Beloved Son

When did I begin to doubt? That the God whom created the heavens and the earth, the very same God whom sent His son to die for our sins, doesn't love me. Really? Do you believe that a kind, loving and engaging God doesn't love you? 

Short answer - yes.

In case you were wondering what "Stage 1" refers to, please refer to my previous post here. Yes, Stage 1 is meant to be Boyhood. I just thought that Beloved Son would be more appropriate in this context. Now that we've got that sorted, the long answer...

I'm not happy with the way things are right now. With uni, relationships and myself. But it doesn't seem as though God's gonna fix any of that anytime soon. Or rather I can't bring myself to believe that God will. Maybe he has more important matters to attend to. Maybe I ought to work this out on my own. Whatever the reason, my experiences have shaped my mindset to believe that I'm alone.

Many of us call God, Father, but how many of us are truly being Fathered?

"The hardest, gladdest thing in the world is to cry Father! from a full heart... the refusal to look up to God as our father is the one central wrong in the whole human affair; the inability, the one central misery." (The Way of the Wild Heart, pg. 25)

The one central misery. That's deep. Though I can't deny that's what I'm feeling right now. Ever so slightly. It surprised me when Aun pointed out my negativity. Before I realised, I've become the very thing I despised. Negative. And I apologise. For being cold and unfriendly. I really am sorry. Turns out, talking to someone was just the boost I needed. Thanks man.

I think I need to know for myself deep down inside and come to a point where I  am able to believe whole-heartedly that God does indeed love me. That I am His beloved son. It will take awhile and it will be a pain-staking journey but don't let me switch off.

~ restore my heart again, i refuse to go numb ~

Switch Off

It's only week 3 but things have been a little overwhelming. I've got job applications to submit and a final year project proposal to work on. The worst part is, both of them needs to be done urgently. And here I am. Blogging. With zero motivation of doing any work. Ever. Again. 

Right now, I wish I could just switch off.

Forget about the worries. Forget about uncertainties.

And just rest....







Alas, 'tis impossible.

Life goes on.

And that's a good thing, right?


~ In need of a boost ~

KIck-starter 2012: Take #2

Not feeling as energized as I usually would before the start of a new semester. Maybe it's the heat or maybe cause I've been under the weather for the past couple of days. Anyways, I've got a couple of resolutions for this year. And no, it's never too late for new year resolutions!

1) Exercise.

10 push-ups and 10 sit-ups daily. Yes, the numbers are quite measly but hopefully they will increase gradually. Honestly, I'm not interested about the number of push-ups I can do single-handedly, with my thumb, blind folded but more interested about cultivating discipline in my life. Or maybe because I secretly want a 6-pack. 

2) A new video each month.

Yup, that's right. I'm gonna be more serious about filming this year. This means giving up on other commitments, such as Flare. Guess I won't be dancing as much anymore. I've been consuming much more than I've been producing. So this is me dedicating more time and effort into an art which I enjoy doing and clinging onto the hope that something great will come out from all of... this.

3) Read the bible from start to finish.

This one's interesting. Just when I decided to do this, turns out my community will be doing the same. My initial plan was to read a chapter daily. Not the best way to go about it. Lucky for me, they've already came up with a reading plan which would get us through the entire bible in 2 years. Glad to be doing this with everyone else. 

Spiritually, I want to trust God more and seek daily renewal. It's really tiring striving and fighting alone. As I enter final year of uni, God's love and mercy is something I should count on daily. 

What are your new year resolutions? Any of them similar to mine? How can we cultivate discipline? Guess how many times I said "daily".

~ I wanna blog more regularly too ~

So...

I realised that I didn't keep any of the new year resolutions which I've made this year.

Clara C @ Arrow on Swanston, 3rd DEC 2011.

I may have kept number 3, but that's about it. Even so, I enjoy making new year resolutions. It gives me something to work, strive towards and it also gives me a false sense of discipline. Just being honest. This year, I was intentional with wanting to engage, embrace, empower and to live a Lifhe which is Love Inspired, Faith and Hope Empowered. Just like that little sentence in the "About Me" column.

2011. Stop trying, start living!

So... have I been able to live Lifhe? I would like to believe so. I've taken some risks this year, done some extraordinary things, had amazing conversations with equally amazing people. If there's one thing I've learnt this year is that, it's ok not to have everything figured out. Like a friend said before, "We never have it all figured out, we just get shown a bit then run towards that. Steward as best we can what we know". 

But I've also been constantly challenged by God, struggling with the idea that He's all I need. That His grace is sufficient for us, that He is bigger than our problems, that He is more important than our selfish ambitions and desires. Not easy to do. But thank you for being so patient with me God. Continue to guide and teach me. 

I'm not really sure what the take home message from this post is (cause I'm just blabbering) but I just wanna thank God for another new year. A fresh start, a new beginning and maybe more new year resolutions which will mostly be broken.

2012. Sounds fun. 

~ Happy New Year! ~

Marriage, Death & Alcohol

Heard news of a friend who've just gotten married.

Heard news of a friend who've just passed away. 

Two very different news. Two very shocking news. 

We were all in the same year back in high school but were never classmates. Either way, the news about both friends tugged at me. Suddenly, all my problems seemed insignificant. Death does that. It makes people stop. Look. Contemplate. Maybe this is a wake up call. Telling me that there are matters and people which are bigger and more important than my own agendas. 

Why do bad things happen to good people? 

I don't know. 

We may not be able to change our circumstances but we are able to change our heart. 

God, you are good. Despite our circumstances, you are good. Teach us to celebrate and appreciate the little things. We may not be able to see the big picture right now, but teach us to be patient. I pray for comfort and peace during the hard times and for a heart of thanksgiving during the good times. You are a God who gives and takes away but you will forever remain faithful. Let your will be done. Amen.

Rest in peace J. 

~ it's been a testing week ~