Holding My Thoughts Inside ~Reprise~

Alrighty! It's finally here. The post that will bring an end to 3 years worth of questions.

I've been living in the past for far too long. Living in past glories, past failures. Looking at old photos, listening to old songs, thinking about the "what ifs". Enough is enough. It's time I moved on.

A few weeks back, I was so pissed off at myself. Pissed off for being blind and deaf towards God. Pissed off for disappointing others and myself. Pissed off for being pissed off. But don't worry, things are better now.

Last Sunday's service was a wake up call for me. I've been carrying too many baggages with me over the past years and before I knew it, the weight was too much for me to handle. Even though God has commanded me to march forward, I didn't. To be more precise, I couldn't. The baggages were weighing me down to the point where standing was difficult what more taking a step forward. But God, you've made me realised how insignificant these baggages are.

So today, I'm deleting my old photos,
I'm deleting my old songs,
I'm deleting my old emails.

Afterall, there's so much more new photos for me to take, songs to sing and emails to type.

Ok, maybe I won't delete all the photos. I'll keep the ones I could use to blackmail my friends kekekeke

The future is up for the taking and I want it. God, give me the strength to surrender my future and my past to you. I am weak but you are strong. Humble me once again Lord. I can't do this alone but through you, all things are possible. Clean the ashes in my heart and keep the fire burning within me. Thank you, Lord. AMEN!~

I'm thankful for all the people that I've journeyed with. I really am. To prove it, I'm gonna use this space to thank you guys.

SIB Youth, I thank you guys for making my Saturday nights DA BOMB! Mac, if you're reading this, I want to thank you. What you're doing with the Youth is amazing. I believe that many will come to know Christ through you! Keep going strong Mac!

I never said goodbye did I? Hahaha, who knows? I might drop by when I'm back home.

And for all you Zion people, even though it might have been just a short period of time, you guys have taught me so much. I'll do my best not to let you guys down. Special thanks to my cell leaders Francis, Jeremy and Stanley. Also not forgetting my sorta drums mentor Josh. Thanks heaps! I'll definitely carry the "Zion Spirit" with me wherever I go.

Well then, I guess that just leaves those whom I'm journeying with right now. You guys know who you are. There's only so many of you who knows about this blog heheh. Within this short period of time I've learn so much from you guys whether you know it or not. You guys are really an inspiration. So, thanks guys. Here's to a good time ahead no matter how long or how short it may be.

I'm gonna let my memories be memories. It's about time I stop living in the past and embrace the future. Hahaha I feel much better now. I've face myself. The baggages are gone. Hmmmm I guess this brings an end to a chapter in my life. It's been one heck of a ride but it's not over!

It's been a while since I've done this, so brace yourself! Here comes step number three.


Hi, I'm Julian

and I got a haircut.


~ get it? ~

Disappeared

De Xin: JULIAAAAAAAAAAAN! You just disappeared without any farewell party! I've been good haha you? What uni are you in now? And what course?????? My gawsh you literally disappeared!

Julian: I'm good too. Been busy with assignments and exams coming up but I'm coping hahaha I'm in RMIT doing Geomatics(go wiki it)! disappeared? hahaha I do that some times.

I had this conversation with a friend of mine a while back. And I think it's hilarious.

It seems that I'm constantly being pulled out of my comfort zone over and over again. When I've finally settled down and ready to embrace what I have, I'm off to someplace else leaving my new found friends and familiarity behind.

But I guess I'm getting used to it. I've been disappearing ever since I left Lodge at the end of 2006.

Disappearing from Lodge School.
Disappearing from SIB Youth.
Disappearing from Zion Praise Harvest.

Can't say I disappeared from CCGS since I graduated from there. So you could say I have a good three years experience on disappearing.

Coming to Melbourne wasn't difficult for me with bro being here and all. As a matter of fact, ever since bro made the decision to study in Melbourne, I knew that's where I'll be in 5 years time. But what I didn't see coming was mother's plans to put me in Perth. Honestly, I wasn't keen about it at all but I gave in and accepted it as unchangeable.

So, with the mind set of Form 4 being my last year in Lodge, I did my best to enjoy my final year there so that I won't leave behind any regrets. Now, mother has this funny way of pissing me off. At the end of Form 4 she asked me:

"Eh, you sure you want to go to Perth, meh? You can stay for Form 5 you know?"

Sighhhhhhhh

Well, you know the rest of the story. I disappeared to Perth and from there disappeared to Melbourne.

Thinking about it now triggers all sorts of thoughts in my head.

What would it be like if I've stayed for Form 5?
Would I've done well in my SPM?
Would I've shared a closer bond with my Youth group?
Would I've come straight to Melbourne after that?
Would I've studied in Trinity instead of CCGS?
Would I've been in all these pictures?



Would I've..... not disappeared?

The past few posts has just been a giant mess of thoughts and questions. Thoughts and questions which has been weighing me down for quite awhile. Guess I just needed someplace to put them down and get them out of my system.

You guys are probably wondering where I'm heading with all this.

To find out......























~ It's the season finale! ~

Makes Me Wonder

Two week ago at Gloria Jeans, I saw the future.

A group of high school kids were having tea a few tables in front of me and I was just observing them. They were all smiling and chattering away. Suddenly I was overcome by nostalgia for my days in Lodge. See them in their uniforms didn't make things better. It surprises me that even after being aboard for 2 and a half years I would still feel so nostalgic. Ha! I guess I really do miss those days.

Those carefree days not worrying about what's for dinner, when to do your laundry or whether there's any milk in the fridge. Mom had that all covered. Those carefree days talking about videogames and animes. Those carefree days cracking lame jokes with your pals and just goofing around.

I remember when I was in Form 2, I would have this conversation with my good friend Lee everyday after school:

Aron: So, what homework do we have?
Julian: Maths.

And it never fails to crack me up. (It's an inside joke but let's just say it involves sarcasm)

This is where it gets interesting.

I took my eyes off them for a minute and when I looked back, the kids morphed/transformed into a bunch of a-mas! The first thing that ran through my mind was "Woah! I've been to the year 3000!" hahaha what really happen was.....

After the kids left, a group of elderly came and sat at the exact spot where the kids were before. And this got me thinking.

Where would I be 50 years from now?

Would I be sitting in a cafe having coffee with my childhood friends? Taking pictures and joking around like we were in our teens? (That was what the grannies were doing by the way)
Would I be living in Australia or good old Malaysia?
Would I be able to understand chemistry better than I did in high school?
Would I still be playing videogames and watching animes?

Or would I be dead?


I blame Jon.

Honestly, I can't see where I'll be in 50 years. Heck, I'm not even sure where I'll be in 5 years time. And you know what, I'm not worry about it at all.

My future is in God's hands. So does that mean life's gonna be easy?

NOT AT ALL. I think it's actually gonna get harder.

God's gonna throw all sorts of funny things at me. To test me, to break me, to piss me off and to entertain Himself. I always have this fun image in my head where God's looking down at me and just for fun, throws temptation at me. Like some sort of scientific experiment, He will observe my reactions in accordance to the manipulated variables. But that's just how I humour myself.

Yeah, it's gonna be tough. It's definitely gonna be tough. But God keeps his promise,

1 Corinthians 10:13
Good news version

- and He will not allow you to be tested beyond your power to remain firm; at the time you are put to the test, He will give you the strength to endure it, and so provide you with a way out.

Now all that's left is the question of faith. Faith to believe His word, His promise.

So do I have faith in God? All I can say right now is 'Yes'!

But try asking me next time I fail my exams, lose an arm or God-forbid, a family member or friend (there's more than one way to lose a family member or friend, so stop thinking about the worst case scenario, dammit!).

I can only hope my answer would be a yes too. Shouldn't be THAT hard.






















~ So many questions, no answers at all. Aren't you glad life isn't an exam? ~

How To Mend A Broken Heart

Just last year it seems that being in a relationship was the 'in' thing. It was like a plague spreading quicker than Swine Flu! Ex-classmates were holding hands and being lovey dovey with people I hardly knew or never even met. Fresh out of an all-boys school, I felt robbed. What did I missed out on the past two years!? noooooo where has my youth gone to! but now, things have changed.

Recently a friend started a blog after his break-up. He talks about how sad, angry and regretful he feels. Sad? I mean who wouldn't be? And I guess I could understand why he's angry but I won't disclose the reason here. Regretful? Hmmmm now that's an interesting one.

What is it like to be in a regretful relationship?

Regret that you watched The Notebook with her when you wanted to watch Rambo?
Regret that you spent the whole afternoon waiting for her to get her hair and nails done while all your friends were out playing soccer?
Regret that you sold your Playstation because she said gaming was for losers with no life?
Regret that your biological clock's a mess after spending hours on the phone with her every night? (seriously, how is this even possible? The longest I've spent time on the phone with a girl is 3o seconds and a dude, 30 minutes..........uh-oh, this shouldn't be a cause for concern right?)

Yes, in a relationship sacrifices are bound to be made. But to regret it after a relationship is over? Hmmmmm I guess they didn't read the fine prints before signing the contract:

"We are not liable for any broken-hearts, emotional scars, or life-long regrets before or after a relationship. And no, we don't do refunds."

So what are you left with if your source of strength, your motivation, your driving force leaves you? (If that is what you've made your relationship to be).

Is anger, sadness and regret all that's left? If so, I rather be a monk.

But you know what. I believe that after all the sadness, better things are yet to come. Sure it's gonna be tough. Sure it's gonna take time to heal the wounds. But those who are able to pick themselves up again will grow stronger and much more mature. At least that's what I hope for. So hang in there all you broken-hearted people. Better things are yet to come.




















So how do you mend a broken heart?

I have no idea! Afterall, I've never been in a relationship myself and I don't think I'll be in one anytime soon. Maybe when I'm in university. Cause that's where all the smart girls are.

Well if there's one thing that I'm sure of now is this. I can only pray for my broken-hearted friends. Advice? I'm the last person you want dating advice from. But if you need someone to listen, I'm all ears. That's all I'm good for heheh.

I guess it's true when they say most people don't end up marrying their childhood sweethearts.

Sighhhhhh

Love isn't blind. Love blinds.

Not sure what that means but it sound cool.


~ expect more thoughts, more questions and more youth! ~
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Ninja : Hey, genius. You already in uni.
Julian : .........oh.

Holding My Thoughts Inside

There's just soo many things I want to blog about but I'm not sure where to start. So I think I'll just give you guys a sneak peek of what's to come:

~ would you care to listen? ~

5Cs

Chocolate

Chips

Cookies

Cupcakes


and Chupa Chups

~ Life's less serious with Chupa Chups ~

Round & Round

(Refer to previous post.)


Hahahaha just messing with ya!

Took the right tram this time. Just thought it would be funny if I took the wrong tram again.


~ MERRY-go-round ~

The Wheels On The Bus Go.....

My sense of direction (or lack of) never fails to amuse me. After my first paper today, while heading home, I got on the wrong tram. So instead of heading home, I ended up at Federation Square. And that's like at the opposite end of where I'm suppose to be.

This reminded me of the time I was lost went on a little adventure around Perth. I was trying to get to UWA from my school.......


but ended up in Joondalup!


Another story, my friend had the directions to our destination at the ready. Since, he was driving, I did the next best thing.


We ended up at the ocean.


At least we got to enjoy the view of the coastline and we saw some penguins too! Not sure if he was too happy about the fuel though. heheh.... my bad.

Ok, so maybe getting lost in a foreign land is excusable. But to get lost in your very own hometown of 16 years, now that's quite an achievement. Fine, I'm exaggerating a little but Jon's condominium is pretty huge. Even after having been to his place over a dozen times, I never fail to end up at the wrong unit every now and then. Hey, for my defence I must say, Village Grove is a very different place at night. A very different place at night.

So the moral of the story:

Don't go to Village Grove at night.


~ round & round round & round round & round ~

Psychedelic

Exams' in 2 days but my mind's occupied with other things.
Thoughts of greatness, thoughts of " what if ", thoughts of the past, thoughts of the future, thoughts of this and that and who and why and what not.

I feel like I haven't been myself lately. I'm not even sure who the person in my head is anymore. Who are you? Who am I? Or I am just thinking too much I don't think I'm thinking too much.

I don't do, thinking.

What is this annoyance? This mosquito that just won't go away. This itch that just won't stop itching. GAHHHHHHH! I feel so restless.

I'm not stress I don't think I'm stress.

I don't do, stress.

Right now I'm totally discombobulated. I must have hit my head somewhere again.

Nevertheless, I'll be back to blog about these, thoughts, once I've gathered them. It'll probably do me some good.

Dame.

This post is a mess. I'm a mess.

I don't do, mess. Unless it's a beautiful mess.....


I need a break


I need a kit-kat.


~ When Julian starts having monologues out loud, you run! ~

Kaa-san

Mother's gone. Things are much quieter now.
Mother's gone. No one's nagging me anymore.
Mother's gone. My routine's back to normal.
Mother's gone.

How the human mind interpret words and sentences is really interesting. Different individuals interpret certain sentences differently from others. Thus, giving the sentence an entirely new meaning.

Observe.

Blue = original sentence
Yellow = new interpretation

Mother's gone. Things are much quieter now.
Mummy went back to Perth to take care of sis. Now it's rather lonely at home.

Mother's gone. No one's nagging me anymore.
Kel's mom is going back to Kuching to take care of dad after taking care of sis. Now there's no one to point out my faults and remind me of the things which I keep forgetting.

Mother's gone. My routine's back to normal.
Mom took the Star bus to the airport to catch her flight to Perth using the Tiger Airways and will be staying in Perth for a couple of days before flying back to Kuching and probably won't be coming back to Melbourne anytime soon. Time for me to relearn how to cook, clean and wash.

Mother's gone.
Ibu balik kampung.

I'm glad that mother extended her stay here cause she got the opportunity to hear Kel share and to see me play the drums in church. I'm not sure if something shifted or touched her during her time here, but I pray that she will one day get to know you God. It might not be through me, Kel or sis but I pray that mother will be save. The same goes for dad too. I thank you for Aunty Kim and all the other aunties which welcomed and probably did a better job entertaining her than I did. God I pray that you will continue watching over my parents. Keep them safe and bless them with the best of health. Thank you, Lord. AMEN!~


So, how are things now that mother's gone?

Things are much quieter. No one's nagging me. Routine's back to normal.


~ Nothing beats home-cooked food ~

A Walk In Andante

Walking to uni is probably something most of us dread.

Walking towards our next assignment.
Walking towards our next practical.
Walking towards the idiot sitting next to you. (not that you have a choice)

Such is uni life.

However, it is those moments, those 15 minutes, which I cherish the most.

Walking.

Walking to and fro RMIT is something you could call Julian's 'me time'.

Walking down the almost empty street of Cardigan and breathing in the cold morning air helps me to relax and take my mind off things. Things that are weighing me down. Things that I am uncertain of. And yea, things.

You could also call it Julian's 'quiet time'. (cause I'm not fan of reading)

Humming songs of praise and just talking to God. Giving thanks for all the little things and just enjoying the moment.

Walking.

I love it! hahaha oh how I find joy in the simplest of the things.

As much as I enjoy walking alone it's always nice to have someone to walk with. Be it a company of two, three or just one. Preferably someone with the same tempo though. heheh.

At times I may be irresponsive or not in the mood for a chat while walking but it's not because I'm deep in thought. No sir, it definitely not because I'm deep in thought.

It's because I'm enjoying the moment. The company. The walk.

A Walk In Andante.

I guess that's something for me to look forward to next semester. With exams just around the corner, it's time for me to shift my tempo from andante to allegro.

All the best for your studies and remember, you're not walking alone.


I'm not walking alone.


~ and I'm not a Liverpool fan ~

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Got to know a Korean guy at Breakdance today. He's in RMIT too. A pretty nice guy and a great b-boy. Gonna have to stop breakdance for a while. Oh wells, it's only for two weeks.


~ Peace out ~