More Fighting

Easter Camp 2012

Right now I'm sitting between giving up and fighting on. This is getting pretty tiring. All this hoping for something better, stewarding what I have been given, walking this journey of faith. Oh, how nice it would be if I could just drop everything and curl up in my bed forever. Ok... I may be developing issues.

Thank God for friends. I think that's the only thing that's keeping me sane at this very moment. Even though I feel like giving up, being around them gives me hope. Even for a little while. After all, how can I be so selfish to give up on myself when they haven't given up on me yet? If anything, these people are the audible voice of God speaking love, faith and hope into this shrivelled shell of a human being. And I'm really thankful for them.

On the spiritual side of things, it hasn't been super fly. I'm trying to figure out whether God is being quiet or if I'm just not listening or refusing to listen for that matter. Maybe trust is a better word. I may be able to heard God's voice, have clarity and understanding, but without trust and faith, what good is all that? Must I really continue being this "faithful steward" for another year? Seriously. I'm about to collapse here. 

Ha.....

Today's a new day. Let my hope be renewed. 

~ fighting to feel alive again ~

Stuck in Between

Right now I'm sitting between the ledge of contentment and hoping for more. Should I be content with what I have now? Or should I reach out for the things I want? Should I be happy with just friendship? Or am I looking for something much deeper? Should I steward my current education to the best of my abilities? Or should I chase my dreams and see how far I'll go?

Leon made a very good observation today. This was regarding my predicament of studying Geomatics because it was the only available option at that time. I'm power-phrasing here, but it went something like this:

"Maybe God opened that door for you so that you would be able to do what you're passionate about. If you were to take architecture or engineering, you might not have had the chance/time to meet up with friends and do the things you like." 

I didn't want to admit it but I think it's true. Even though I wasn't enjoying the course over the past 3 years, it has definitely given me the time to try new things, discover my passions and enjoy the company of friends. In the midst of all my whining and self-centeredness, I've failed to see the goodness that God had created out of this. Today, I lay down my pride. Thanks, Leon.

For this Easter, show me what it means to live in the promises of God. Also to bring about resurrection in the areas of my life that have been dead for so long, even the areas that I didn't know about. Revive my heart again and again. Right now there isn't much I can do but have patience and trust in God. Easier said than done but a lot can happen over a span of three days. And I trust that the presence of God will be overflowing this Easter. So let it be. Amen~ 

~ Happy Easter friends! ~

My Signature Themes

Just did my Strengths Finder assessment and the results were quite amusing. Let's take a look:

Individualisation

People who are especially talented in the Individualisation theme are intrigued with the unique qualities of each person. They have a gift for figuring out how people who are different can work together productively.

Harmony

People who are especially talented in the Harmony theme look for consensus. They don't enjoy conflict; rather, they seek areas of agreement.

Developer

People who are especially talented in the Developer theme recognise and cultivate the potential in others. They spot the signs of each small improvement and derive satisfaction from these improvements.

Empathy

People who are especially talented in the Empathy theme can sense the feelings of other people by imagining themselves in others' lives or others' situations.

Responsibility

People who are especially talented in the Responsibility theme take psychological ownership of what they say they will do. They are committed to stable values such as honesty and loyalty.

Harmony and responsibility I can agree upon but empathy? Really? Yes, I am clueless when it comes to "sensing the feelings of other people". Or maybe I'm just pretending to be so that people won't be suspicious of me. Ha-ha! Individualisation and Developer were unexpected but they are themes which I am able to resonate with. Interesting - I didn't think I was the relationship building sorta person. 

What I've written above are just the brief descriptions of each theme. Upon completion, the assessment will generate your own personal signature theme report, insight report and an action-planning guide. Whether they are accurate representations of my strengths or not, it has given insight into the type of person I think I am or hope to be. For those who are interested in finding out more about this assessment, check out the Strengths Quest website. Btw, it's NOT free.

~ what are or what do you think your strengths are? ~

Little Hope

I've been putting this post off because I didn't want to get my hopes up. 

Well then, time to test my faith. 

For those who've been journeying closely with me would know that I've been working on a final year project proposal. My initial proposal was regarding visual development. The aim of the project, without getting too technical, is to help viewers visualise how a land or building will look like before it is completely developed. Interesting topic, but not something that really fascinated me.

After further research, I realised that I actually have an interest in sustainable development. Sustainable development is "development that meets the needs of the present without compromising the ability of future generations to meet their own needs". As quoted from my lecture notes. Armed with this sudden spark of enthusiasm, I decided to email my lecturer who specialises in this field. Without giving it too much thought, I emailed her and included this little snippet:

"I have an interest in video-making. Therefore, I was wondering if it is possible for my end product to be a video product which focus on raising awareness about sustainable development."

Met up with her the next day, introduced myself and the first thing she said was...

"Ah! Movie-maker." 

The discussion that followed, as I soon realised, was something that I desperately needed. In the midst of all the brain-storming, note-scribbling and trouble-shooting, there was this sense of hope, courage and delight that began to bubble up. Never before have I had such an encouraging conversation with another person besides my dear friends. What more with a lecturer whom I hardly pay attention to during class (sorry). If it wasn't for pride, I would have probably broke down in tears right there and then. 

Four years is a long time to do something. Even longer if it's something that doesn't bring you joy. But with this project, things are starting to look hopeful. On the contrary, this project might be the death of me. Firstly, because this is something that no one has every done before. Secondly, I'll be doing more work compared to everyone else. Thirdly, I'm not sure how I'm going to execute it. And fourthly, I may fail miserably. See what I meant by not wanting to get my hopes up?  

This year may be the most pivotal one yet. If this project takes off, I believe that something "good" will come out of it. How this "good" will look like, I'm not sure but I'm not worry about it either. Right now, I'll just need to focus on what I can do and work towards it. With faith and confidence in a God who is big enough.

God, for so long I've been dwelling on my doubts and bitterness. But today, I choose to surrender them to you. Break the chains that bind me and bring healing once again into this heart that has just gone cold. Give me the courage to believe and put my trust in you. My problems are never too big for you Lord. And I thank you for that. I pray the same prayer for my friends too. That you will meet them at which ever point in life they're at and speak love, faith and hope into their very being. So let it be. Amen~     

Alright! Time to write up that proposal. 

~ are you working on your faith muscles? ~

Stage 1: Beloved Son

When did I begin to doubt? That the God whom created the heavens and the earth, the very same God whom sent His son to die for our sins, doesn't love me. Really? Do you believe that a kind, loving and engaging God doesn't love you? 

Short answer - yes.

In case you were wondering what "Stage 1" refers to, please refer to my previous post here. Yes, Stage 1 is meant to be Boyhood. I just thought that Beloved Son would be more appropriate in this context. Now that we've got that sorted, the long answer...

I'm not happy with the way things are right now. With uni, relationships and myself. But it doesn't seem as though God's gonna fix any of that anytime soon. Or rather I can't bring myself to believe that God will. Maybe he has more important matters to attend to. Maybe I ought to work this out on my own. Whatever the reason, my experiences have shaped my mindset to believe that I'm alone.

Many of us call God, Father, but how many of us are truly being Fathered?

"The hardest, gladdest thing in the world is to cry Father! from a full heart... the refusal to look up to God as our father is the one central wrong in the whole human affair; the inability, the one central misery." (The Way of the Wild Heart, pg. 25)

The one central misery. That's deep. Though I can't deny that's what I'm feeling right now. Ever so slightly. It surprised me when Aun pointed out my negativity. Before I realised, I've become the very thing I despised. Negative. And I apologise. For being cold and unfriendly. I really am sorry. Turns out, talking to someone was just the boost I needed. Thanks man.

I think I need to know for myself deep down inside and come to a point where I  am able to believe whole-heartedly that God does indeed love me. That I am His beloved son. It will take awhile and it will be a pain-staking journey but don't let me switch off.

~ restore my heart again, i refuse to go numb ~

Switch Off

It's only week 3 but things have been a little overwhelming. I've got job applications to submit and a final year project proposal to work on. The worst part is, both of them needs to be done urgently. And here I am. Blogging. With zero motivation of doing any work. Ever. Again. 

Right now, I wish I could just switch off.

Forget about the worries. Forget about uncertainties.

And just rest....







Alas, 'tis impossible.

Life goes on.

And that's a good thing, right?


~ In need of a boost ~

Sh*tuff People Say About Careers Fair

Shot this for a video competition. We were meant to create a video that highlight the benefits of going to the careers fair and encourage students to attend their respective fairs. What do you guys think? 

Vote for me by "liking" my video here.

~ I love freebies ~

WONGFU 4 LYFE!!

In case you missed out, Wong Fu Productions were in Melbourne last weekend during their Australia Tour. Unfortunately, Ted couldn't make it but Phil and Wes did great holding their own keeping 800+ fans entertained with their charm and wit. It was great having the boys in town and hearing first-hand from them about their stories, inspirations and how it all started. 

More inside interviews from their tour can be found here.

Other than that, we had the privilege of watching a couple of their new videos which aren't online yet. So in a sense, we spent two hours watching Youtube together with Wong Fu. Good times. The Q&A session was really insightful too. When they first started out, they struggled to make a living cause they "had to eat". Thus, they picked up odd jobs from filming weddings to interviewing drunk people in clubs. But with the start of their online store (areyouaniceguy.com), they were finally able to financially support themselves.

Although this may not seem like a big deal to us, it touches me to see how genuinely grateful they are to the fans whom have supported them by buying they products. That's huge! After all, we are directly investing into their dreams (and providing them with food on the table). They have definitely been an inspiration to me and it was a privilege to be able to meet them. Well, at least 2/3 of them.

Together with Phil & Wes.

Looking forward to meeting them again. Hopefully somewhere quieter, brighter... without a bouncer and over coffee. Who knows, maybe I'll be starting out then.


~ thanks to ann & charles for a great night out ~

KIck-starter 2012: Take #2

Not feeling as energized as I usually would before the start of a new semester. Maybe it's the heat or maybe cause I've been under the weather for the past couple of days. Anyways, I've got a couple of resolutions for this year. And no, it's never too late for new year resolutions!

1) Exercise.

10 push-ups and 10 sit-ups daily. Yes, the numbers are quite measly but hopefully they will increase gradually. Honestly, I'm not interested about the number of push-ups I can do single-handedly, with my thumb, blind folded but more interested about cultivating discipline in my life. Or maybe because I secretly want a 6-pack. 

2) A new video each month.

Yup, that's right. I'm gonna be more serious about filming this year. This means giving up on other commitments, such as Flare. Guess I won't be dancing as much anymore. I've been consuming much more than I've been producing. So this is me dedicating more time and effort into an art which I enjoy doing and clinging onto the hope that something great will come out from all of... this.

3) Read the bible from start to finish.

This one's interesting. Just when I decided to do this, turns out my community will be doing the same. My initial plan was to read a chapter daily. Not the best way to go about it. Lucky for me, they've already came up with a reading plan which would get us through the entire bible in 2 years. Glad to be doing this with everyone else. 

Spiritually, I want to trust God more and seek daily renewal. It's really tiring striving and fighting alone. As I enter final year of uni, God's love and mercy is something I should count on daily. 

What are your new year resolutions? Any of them similar to mine? How can we cultivate discipline? Guess how many times I said "daily".

~ I wanna blog more regularly too ~

Kick-starter 2012

This is me and my poor attempt at getting back into the groove of blogging. 

So this guy's pretty cool. Plus, he's got an awesome drum kit to boot.

Will be back with an array of cool and irrelevant posts. Right after I'm done fighting dragons and rescuing princesses. I mean, what else would you do on Valentine's Day?


~ watch adventure drums!  ~

Short film: Memory Box

The idea of a memory box is something everyone (I think) can relate to. It doesn't have to be a physical box but it can be a mental one or maybe even a blog. You get the idea. This new year's I was taking a look inside my memory box. Inside I found a letter. The very same letter I was holding in the video. It was from a friend whom I barely knew but had the chance to meet during my time in Perth. And it was encouraging to re-read what she had to say. Contents not to be disclosed but it triggered this video.

I have a bad habit of dwelling on things longer than I should. And it eats me. In the video I've portrayed memories to be "cute and cuddly" but what if the memories you hold onto are "junk". A bad relationship, a death of a person, a sad memory. Do you keep it or do you throw it out? Memories are there to remind us of our history but it can also make us so comfortable that we'll choose to live in the past. Oh nostalgia... now what? 

Learn from the past, move on and make new memories. 

Cakewalk.

Memory Box is probably the most dialogue driven video I've made, thus far. Dialogue has never been my strong point so this video serves as an experiment and a good challenge. Kudos to Jon for his awesome filming skills, I mean check out those sweet angles and compositions. And also to Aileen for acting the mean sister role (she's really nice in-person).

Thanks for watching!


~ 200th post ~

So...

I realised that I didn't keep any of the new year resolutions which I've made this year.

Clara C @ Arrow on Swanston, 3rd DEC 2011.

I may have kept number 3, but that's about it. Even so, I enjoy making new year resolutions. It gives me something to work, strive towards and it also gives me a false sense of discipline. Just being honest. This year, I was intentional with wanting to engage, embrace, empower and to live a Lifhe which is Love Inspired, Faith and Hope Empowered. Just like that little sentence in the "About Me" column.

2011. Stop trying, start living!

So... have I been able to live Lifhe? I would like to believe so. I've taken some risks this year, done some extraordinary things, had amazing conversations with equally amazing people. If there's one thing I've learnt this year is that, it's ok not to have everything figured out. Like a friend said before, "We never have it all figured out, we just get shown a bit then run towards that. Steward as best we can what we know". 

But I've also been constantly challenged by God, struggling with the idea that He's all I need. That His grace is sufficient for us, that He is bigger than our problems, that He is more important than our selfish ambitions and desires. Not easy to do. But thank you for being so patient with me God. Continue to guide and teach me. 

I'm not really sure what the take home message from this post is (cause I'm just blabbering) but I just wanna thank God for another new year. A fresh start, a new beginning and maybe more new year resolutions which will mostly be broken.

2012. Sounds fun. 

~ Happy New Year! ~

VISIBER

It's Christmas eve and I rather be blogging about merrier stuff but... I've got nothing. This is just a follow-up on the previous post. 

Turns out this practice isn't Feng Shui but VISIBER. Apparently, it's been around for a while now and it's actually quite a big business. For those who are interested to find out more about VISIBER (and since I'm lazy to blog about it), you can visit their blog here:

http://visiber-malaysia.blogspot.com/

Wishing everyone an enjoyable Christmas Eve!

~ it's funny how VISIBER rhymes with BIEBER ~

Forever Alone

I don't usually blog when I'm back home but this is too interesting for me not to share. So to my loyal readers, who've been coming back daily to see what Julian's been up to, rejoice!

Today, mum brought me to meet a Feng Shui consultant (let's call her that for the lack of a better term). Being curious and interested to see why mum is so hooked on this belief, I decided to go with it. Don't worry, there wasn't any chanting, voodoo dolls or that sorta hoo-ha. Just a friendly chat with an ordinary woman who believes in "frequencies" or fate through the arrangement of numbers. Not sure if that made sense... moving on.

The way she does her readings is through numbers, or most specifically, your date of birth. Each number, ranging from 1-9, is linked to an element (eg. fire, wood) and represents a certain quality or characteristic:

1 = leadership
2 = communication
3 = action
4 = planning
5 = direction
6 = wisdom
7 = networking
8 = responsibility
9  = success.

Based on my date of birth, 01.08.1990, I have good leadership skills, am emotional and bound for success. However, I lack the qualities from numbers 2 to 7. I am also closely aligned to the element, metal (number 1) which, unfortunately means, "I will lead a life of hardship and may experience sudden death". I kid not. (And I find it ridiculous how she says it in a "as-a-matter-of-fact" tone.)

Now imagine yourself as a mother and someone tells you, "Your son is going to die an expected death". How would you feel? Being a worried mom, you would of course proceed to ask, "How can I prevent this?" Good question. A pendant of gold and silver is what you seek. As the legend foretold, this pendant has the power to fight against the evils of one's negative "frequencies". But of course, this pendant will only work if you believe in it. And let's not forget to mention, has a price tag of RM8800 (or you could opt for the cheaper one which has the same magnitude of power for only RM1500).

I like to believe that there's a reason for everything. A reason why I didn't get a job in Melbourne. Maybe it's more important for me to spend time back home with my folks. To communicate and understand their hearts. Let this not be a wasted opportunity to speak love and hope into their lives. I've let more than enough chances slipped by before. And who knows, I may not get another chance.

On a lighter note, apparently I'm also a perfectionist and I have high standards when it comes to girls. And because of that, I'm prone to divorces and may end up being a monk or priest. In other words, I'll be forever alone.


~ not poking fun at participants of feng shui or anything, but placing your hopes and believes on a piece of metal is clearly idolatry. ~

BRB

All packed and ready to go. Not too sure what to expect this time 'round, but it'll be good to spend some time back home. 3 months is plenty. It's been a BIG year, thus far, with plenty of high and low points. This break will be a good time for me to freshen up and restart. Yea, that'll be nice. 

Take care Melbourne. Brb.

Marriage, Death & Alcohol

Heard news of a friend who've just gotten married.

Heard news of a friend who've just passed away. 

Two very different news. Two very shocking news. 

We were all in the same year back in high school but were never classmates. Either way, the news about both friends tugged at me. Suddenly, all my problems seemed insignificant. Death does that. It makes people stop. Look. Contemplate. Maybe this is a wake up call. Telling me that there are matters and people which are bigger and more important than my own agendas. 

Why do bad things happen to good people? 

I don't know. 

We may not be able to change our circumstances but we are able to change our heart. 

God, you are good. Despite our circumstances, you are good. Teach us to celebrate and appreciate the little things. We may not be able to see the big picture right now, but teach us to be patient. I pray for comfort and peace during the hard times and for a heart of thanksgiving during the good times. You are a God who gives and takes away but you will forever remain faithful. Let your will be done. Amen.

Rest in peace J. 

~ it's been a testing week ~

Stop Feeding The Snake, Idiot.

There was a couple living out in the sticks whom kept a baby python as a pet. The python was kept in the laundry room and they would feed and care for it. As it grew older, the python began to behave strangely. Instead of sleeping in the laundry room, it would slither into the couple's bedroom and lie next to them on the bed. Worried about the change in behave, they took their pet to see a vet. As the owner told the vet about the change in the python's behave, the vet warned the couple to get rid of the python. 

Why?

Because the python was measure itself to see whether it was big enough to eat them.  

Chris Willis shared this story during Easter Camp earlier this year. Scary isn't? How we sometimes feed the very thing that will kill us. Be it our addiction, disappointment, anger, unforgiveness, if we continue feeding them, we will definitely die. Or in this case, get eaten alive. 

Moral of the story - stop feeding the snake, idiot. 

~ God is good, despite my circumstances, God is good ~

Soul Punk

Didn't win the video contest, so as a consolation, I bought myself a copy of Patrick Stump's debut solo album "Soul Punk". What I love about this album is that it is Patrick's true expression of the kind of music that he loves; RnB and hip-hop. Most people will know him as a "rock guy" but this album doesn't sound anything like FOB. So even though you may be a FOB fan, you may not necessarily like Soul Punk. Compared to all the party music that are slowly killing our brain cells ("Sexy & I know it" is a terrible song. No, it's not even worthy to be called music. Bottom line - it's terrible), Soul Punk is a refreshing breath of new life. Funky guitars, big drums and a healthy dose of synth plus Patrick's killer vocals makes for an awesome album. Daring and bold, Soul Punk is definitely something worth listening to.

Glad that he's finally able to make the kind of music he loves. Looking forward to one day watching him live.


~ work's gonna be more fun listening to Soul Punk ~

Stage 2: Cowboy

The Cowboy Stage - It is the time of learning the lessons of the field, a time of a great adventures and testing, and also a time for hard work. A time of daring and danger, a time of learning that he does, indeed, have what it takes (John Eldredge, pp. 12).

I grew up living, if I may say so,  a rather sheltered life. As a kid, I was never allow to ride a bike, enter a cyber cafe, drive a car or walk cross the street to the shopping mall beside my house. I spent most of my days indoors playing video-games and watching cartoons. This went on till I was 17th. That's half of my teenage years spent glued to a television set. As fun as role-playing games are, boys would always have a longing for a real-life adventure. 

I think that's why I really enjoy my time aboard in Melbourne. I bought a bike, spent 8 hours straight in a cyber cafe, and walked where ever my two legs could carry me. Much to mum's disapproval but I was a free man. Finally able to experience the things that I've missed out on as a teenager. It was also the perfect chance for me to test my limits and learn that I have what it takes -

To walk 50km, to cycle 100km. 

"The Cowboy heart is wounded when he repeatedly fails or when there isn't anyone there to interpret his failures and help him get back on the horse." (John Eldredge shares about the time his son fell off a horse, pp. 104).

I've failed many times as a child (still do) and mum has always been there to interpret my failures. But mum never once helped me back up on the horse. She was afraid that I would hurt myself again. A sound argument but what if I wanted to get back on the horse? What if I wanted to try again? Fall as many times as I want? Cause I believe that I have what it takes. And because of that, the cowboy in me had been caged up for most of my teenage years. Now, I'm just running amok all over the place.

So what am I trying to get at from telling you all this?  

I've had a few disappointments this past month. Disappointments that tells me "I'm not good enough", "I don't have what it takes". I wish I was stronger. More confident, articulated, certain of what I want to pursue and where God is calling me. As much as I tired to enjoy the course that I'm studying, I may have been fooling myself. Who am I kidding? I don't get excited over writing essays and reading about satellites and determining centroids. I get exciting when I film videos and when I think about the next big project or video idea.

And I've been struggling with this over & over again. 

Maybe it's my fault for not voicing out my discontentment sooner. Maybe it's my fault for be afraid, uncertain, and judgemental. The reason I'm afraid is because I've always been seeking adventures and trying out different things. But mum had other plans. She wanted and still wants me to live out the life that she's planned for me since forever. When mum was in Melbourne a few months back, I found it hard communicating with her. Even though I wanted to oppose or voice my discontentment, I couldn't. Cause in my mind, I had already reached the conclusion, "Doesn't matter what I say, she wouldn't agreed anyway." So I kept quiet, smiled and nod my head politely.

And I've been doing that for most of my life.

Selfish and ungrateful - I wish that my parents were more supportive. I wish that they would stop treating me like a child. I wish that my parents would teach me to believe in myself and dream big. But even so, there is truth in what they say. "Film's not going to earn you money". "You could always do it as a hobby". 

Why must it be so hard?

God, what is it that I should do? I'm lost. I need clarity. Whether film is really for me or if I'm just believing in a fleeting dream. Close the door, break my camera if you will. I've been stuck in this ditch for far too long. I need help. Teach me to believe. Teach me to love. Teach me to hope. 

~ Stage 4: Lover ~

FML! We're Winning!

A little late to be posting this but here goes. Flare Dance 2011 was fun. Despite all of the time and energy that was poured out and how spent I was after everything was over, I had fun. 

Was re-reading my post about flare last year and I'm glad to say I've achieved what I've set out to do. To journey and foster closer relationships with the people in flare. Even though if was just within the circle of friends in the breakdancing piece, even if it was just for a semester, I've grown to love and appreciate each one of them. Thanks for making this year's flare experience much more meaningful.

To end, here's a couple of videos that I've put together. I reckon it pretty much sums up my entire flare experience this year. Whether I'll continue on next year is still up in the air. Will see how things goes. Either way, I don't plan to stop dancing any time soon.

Thank you video which we put together for our awesome choreographer and friend.

From now on, FML will always be a positive quote to me. We will face challenges and FML moments in life but we should always remember to be positive and continue holding onto hope. Thanks for reminding us, Kai.

May our dance inspire you and hopefully brighten up your day!


~ FunkMaLife ~